The Notebooks of Lazarus Long - Robert A. Heinlein, ebook, CALIBRE SFF 1970s, Temp 2
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From The Notebooks of Lazarus Long -- Robert A. Heinlein
Always store beer in a dark place.
By the data to date, there is only one animal in the galaxy dangerous to man
-- man himself. so he must supply his own indispensable competition. He has no
enemy to help him.
Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you
can't win.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why.
Then do it.
Get a shot off FAST. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second
shot perfect.
There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. but there is no evidence
of any sort against it. Soon enough you will KNOW. So why fret about it?
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but
WHICH ONE? Differences are crucial.
A fake fortune-teller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be
shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's
beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning
them at birth.
Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button sorters.
A "pacifist male" is a contradiction in terms. Most self-described
"pacifists" are not pacific; they simply assume false colors. When the wind
changes, they hoist the Jolly roger.
Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a woman's breasts; it enhances their
charm by making them look lived in and happy.
A generation that ignores history has no past -- and no future.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it!
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational
basis. Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the
unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and
spend time and money on it and seem to derive considerable pleasure from
fiddling with it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
If you don't like yourself, you CAN'T like other people.
Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind; it may
offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate --
and quickly.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and, in
the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons;
"Come back with your shield, or on it." Later on, this custom declined. So did
Rome.
Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have legislated out of nothing,
"blasphemy" is the most amazing -- with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure"
fighting it out for second and third place.
Cheops' Law: Nothing EVER gets built on schedule or within budget.
It is better to copulate than never.
All societies are based on rules to protect pregnant women and young
children. All else is surplusage, excrescence, adornment, luxury, or folly
which can -- and must -- be dumped in emergency to preserve this prime
function. As racial survival is the ONLY universal morality, no other basic is
possible.
Attempts to formulate a "perfect society" on any foundation other than "Women
and children first!" is not only witless, it is automatically genocidal.
Nevertheless, starry-eyed idealists (all of them male) have tried endlessly --
and no doubt will keep on trying.
All men are created unequal.
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate.
There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
When the need arises -- and it does -- you must be able to shoot your own
dog. Don't farm it out -- that doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation
is for monks.
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still
to be a live lion. And usually easier.
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys; it's more
sanitary.
Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most
gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both
at once.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
N.B.: Circumstances can force your hand. so think ahead!
Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man.
Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded -- here and there, now and then
-- are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often
condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever
this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven
out of a society, the people slip back into abject poverty. This is known as
"bad luck."
In a mature society, "civil servant" is semantically equal to "civil MASTER."
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far
away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it
made it possible to go elsewhere.
A woman is not property, and husbands who think otherwise are living in a
dream world.
The second best thing about space travel is that distances involved make war
very difficult, usually impractical, and almost always unnecessary. This is
probably a loss for most people, since war is our race's most popular
diversion, one which gives purpose and color to dull and stupid lives. But it
is a great boon to the intelligent man who fights only when he must -- never
for sport.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose
of the universe.
There are hidden contradictions in the minds of people who "love Nature"
while deploring the "artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled 'Nature.'"
The obvious contradiction lies in their choice of words, which imply that Man
and his artifacts are NOT part of "Nature" -- but beavers and their dams ARE.
But the contradictions go deeper than the prima facie absurdity. In declaring
his love for a beaver dam (erected by beavers for beaver's purposes) and his
hatred for dams erected be men (for the purposes of men) the "Naturist"
reveals his hatred for his own race -- that is, his own self-hatred.
In the case of "Naturists" such self-hatred is understandable; they are such
a sorry lot. But hatred is too strong an emotion to feel toward them; pity and
contempt are the most they rate.
As for me, willy-nilly I am a man, not a beaver, and H.
Sapiens is the only race I have or can have. Fortunately for me, I LIKE being
a part of a race made up of men and women -- it strikes me as a fine
arrangement and perfectly "natural."
Believe it or not there were "Naturists" who opposed the first flight to old
Earth's Moon as being "unnatural" and a "despoiling of nature."
"No man is an island -- " Much as we may feel and act as individuals, our
race is a single organism, always growing and branching -- which must be
pruned, regularly to be healthy.
This necessity need not be argued; anyone with eyes can see that any organism
which grows without limits always dies in its own poisons. The only rational
question is whether pruning is best done before or after birth.
Being an incurable sentimentalist I favor the former of these methods --
killing makes me queasy, even when its a case of "He's dead and I'm alive and
that's the way I wanted it to be."
But this may be a matter of taste. Some shamans think that it is better to be
killed in a war, or to die in childbirth, or to starve in misery, than never
to have lived at all. They may be right.
But I don't have to like it -- and I don't.
Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one
man. How's that again? I missed something.
Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million
men. Let's play that over again, too. Who decides?
Any government will work if authority and responsibility are equal and
coordinate. This does not insure "good" government; it simply insures that it
will work. But such governments are rare -- most people want to run things but
want no part of the blame. This used to be called the "back-seat driver
syndrome."
What are the facts? Again and again and again -- what are the FACTS? Shun
wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what "the stars foretell,"
avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable
"verdict of history"
-- what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? you pilot always into
an unknown future; facts are your single clue.
Get the facts!
Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by
legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can't help being stupid. But
stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is
no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here on
the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these Divine
attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks,
please. Cash and in small bills.
Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be
courageous. (He is also a fool.)
The two highest achievements of the human mind are the twin concepts of
"loyalty" and "duty." Whenever these twin concepts fall into disrepute -- get
out of there fast! you may possibly save yourself but it is too late to save
that society. It is doomed.
People who go broke in a big way never miss any meals. It is the poor jerk
who is shy a half slug who must tighten his belt.
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice
versa.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and
not make messes in the house.
Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear.
Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub
together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the naive, the
unsophisticated, deplore these formalities as "empty," "meaningless," or
"dishonest," and scorn to use them. No matter how "pure" their motives, they
thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best.
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a
hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a
wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, giver orders, cooperate. act
alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a
computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.
Specialization is for insects.
The more you love, the more you CAN love -- and the more intensely you love.
Nor is there any limit on how MANY you can love. If a person had time enough,
he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.
Masturbation is cheap, clean, convenient, and free of any possibility of
wrongdoing -- and you don't have to go home in the cold. But it's LONELY.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
If tempted by something that feels "altruistic," examine your motives and
root out the self-deception. Then if you still want to do it -- wallow in it!
The most preposterous notion that H. Sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the
Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the
saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and
becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd
fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays the expenses of the
oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history.
The second most preposterous notion is that copulation is inherently sinful.
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of -- but do it in private
and wash your hands afterwards.
A hundred dollars paced at seven percent interest compounded quarterly for
two hundred years will increase to more than a hundred million dollars -- by
which time it will be worth nothing.
Dear, don't bore him with trivia nor burned him with your past mistakes. The
happiest way to deal with a man is never to tell him anything that he does not
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