The Post Split Danger Zone, Angielski, Ebooki dla kobiet po angielsku
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The Post Split Danger Zone
All Rights Reserved © 2008
1
The Post Split Danger Zone
All Rights Reserved
Copyright © 2008
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The Post Split Danger Zone
The Post-Split Danger Zone
You may be worrying that unless you contact your ex immediately after the split, you’re
going to be “out of sight, out of mind.”
You may worry that your ex is going to forget about you.
This actually isn’t a bad thing.
A little bit of forgetfulness can actually be
good.
•
Your ex might forget the arguments you had.
•
Your ex might forget anything they disliked about you.
•
Your ex might forget why you split up in the irst place.
So it’s your job to ensure that the parts of the relationship that your ex remembers are
the
right
parts, not the wrong ones.
Unfortunately, any contact with your ex in the immediate aftermath of the split is more
likely to bring up bad memories
rather
than good memories.
Because both of you are in such heightened emotional states, you’re more likely to resort
to emotionally vulnerable behaviors like arguing, crying, accusing or begging.
You need to get some space away from one another to feel what being separated
really
feels like,
so that you can then make a sound decision as to whether you want to get back
together again.
Sadly, there are many cases in which
some
contact with your ex immediately following the
split will be unavoidable, and you need to have a plan for dealing with those situations.
When You Can’t Avoid Coming into Contact with Your Ex
It’s a funny thing, but relationships usually end BEFORE the other person is actually ready
to deal with the consequences of having you out of their life forever.
The person who says, “It’s over,” usually hasn’t thought about what it will take to
disentangle your lives.
You may have belongings at one another’s houses. You may have activities planned in the
future. You may even have children together.
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The Post Split Danger Zone
Sorting all that out is going to take time … time that could work to your
advantage
or
disadvantage.
If you absolutely
have
to be in contact with your ex because of mutual commitments, here
are 5 points you should remember.
5 Tips for Getting Through the Immediate Aftermath of the Split
•
Don’t be tempted to get into arguments or create delays just because you
hope they’re going to change their mind
. You’re going to be tempted to believe
that you’re still together as long as you continue to have some sort of required
interaction, but that belief isn’t just false; it’s actually
harmful.
•
Don’t be tempted to leave reminders of yourself with your ex.
You might “forget”
to get something of yours back from their house, hoping that seeing it will trigger
a reminder of all your happy times together … but, unfortunately, at this stage it’s
more likely to remind them of your arguments and conlicts. Get
all
your things
back and leave nothing behind. Use a third party to collect your belongings if
possible; going yourself when you’re feeling emotionally volatile will cause more
harm than good.
•
Don’t be tempted to draw your friends into taking sides
. Your friends are going
to be an important source of support for you during this time, so treat them with
respect. Being in the middle is a horrible place to be, and they aren’t going to
appreciate it if you use them as pawns in the battle between you and your ex.
Avoid talking about the split with any friends that you know your ex will have
contact with. Don’t bring up the split at all unless they ask you speciic questions
about it, and then tell them that you don’t want to involve them in what could be
a messy situation. Whatever you do,
don’t ask them for advice on how to get your
ex back.
They will most certainly relay that message back to your ex and put all the
power in your ex’s court.
•
Act as rationally and disinterestedly as possible.
This is not the time for your true
feelings to come out. There will be time later to tell your ex everything you’ve been
thinking and feeling. At this point, your goal is to remove yourself from their life
as completely as possible without resistance. It’s going to be painful, but be as fair
and emotionless around them as you possibly can. Getting angry or trying to force
them to see things your way will just prove to them that they shouldn’t be with you
after all. Sometimes you might just have to cut your losses if there’s a particularly
sticky issue. When it gets hard, keep in mind how grateful your ex is going to feel
to you when this is over. It’s hard to stay angry at someone who’s acting fairly and
helping you out.
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The Post Split Danger Zone
• Cancelallplansforthefuturethatyouhadmadewithyourex.
If your ex has
promised to do something with you (or for you), assume that all promises you
made to one another are null and void. This is especially important with regards to
inancial commitments, e.g. if your ex promised to pay for something. If you had
plans for the future that depended on you and your ex still being together, look at
ways of modifying those plans so that you can still go ahead with them on your
own. Notify your ex if any canceled plans affect them. Once your ex realizes that
all the dreams that you had together are now over – but that you’re still going to go
ahead with them on your own – it may affect them even harder than it’s affecting
you.
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